Why You Have No Control of Your Life
Within self-improvement spaces, like the seduction and pickup communities, creators tend to harp on the idea that your life, and the outcomes you can create, are completely under your control.
According to many bloggers, podcasters, and Youtube personalities in the “Manosphere”, getting your shit together is easy.
“All you have to do…”, they intone, is… make your bed, lift weights, and “Just go talk to her, bro”.
In the neatly packaged fairy tales spun by these Red Pill talking head, the hero is expected to face a few challenges, but the story is supposed to arrive a predictable conclusion by the third act.
We’re supposedly all promised fame, riches, exotic supercars, and adoring, beautiful girlfriends, if we simply “Do The Work”, as one Manosphere luminary likes to repeat.
I’ve participated in this trend myself, in many articles on this blog. See my posts “How Men Can Overcome Depression” and “Create Your Own Reality”.
To some extent, I still believe it.
However, as I build up more life experience, in the form of disappointments, misunderstandings, and embarrassing fuck ups, the more I realize that a lot of my life has already been decided for me.
Many of the major factors in someone’s life aren’t under their control at all.
This flies in the face of the values we idolize in self-improvement spaces.
It’s not a contradiction to accept that self-responsibility is important, and everyone should work as hard as they can until to control the circumstances that they can,
while also acknowledging that most of our lives have already been influenced by circumstances determined by sheer luck of the draw.
For example:
the country you were born in
your parents
family structure
financial situation you were raised in
emotional support you received as a child and adolescent, (or lack thereof)
even aspects like your birth order, if you have siblings or not, and your physical attractiveness,
all influence the way that people treat you, and shape your behavior and your personality, from before you were a fully coherent human being.
By the time you were old enough to barely understand what was going on, the major elements that create your life were already decided for you.
Your Parents
It doesn’t take a degree in clinical psychology to observe the obvious: your parents’ behavior shapes the way you see the world, and the ways your interpret behavior, interact with others, and even relate to yourself.
If your father was a decorated Army veteran, and a strict disciplinarian, simple things like dress and appearance, even the proper way to make your bed, might be a big deal to you.
By contrast, if you were raised by freewheeling hippies, traveling the country in a converted school bus, many of the ideas that would be very important to first guy, would seem like a laughable joke to you.
In short, whatever characteristics your parents embodied make a huge impact on your personality, and what is important you as an adult, but you don’t have any control over which characteristics those are. Nobody chooses their parents.
Your Dad Chooses Your Job
You are even more likely to pursue the same career paths that your parents chose.
According to a survey taken over the last 40 years, working sons are 2.7 times as likely to do the same jobs as their fathers.
According to the survey (linked above), sons of medical doctors are 23 TIMES more likely to become physicians themselves.
For lawyers, it’s 17X
A similar correlation was found with sons of plumbers, electricians, and carpenters.
Speaking personally, I pursued an apprenticeship as an electrician, and later became a licensed General Contractor in my state. My father was a union electrician for many years.
Prior to working in the trades, my dad also served in the US Army. I followed his footsteps into the military, enlisting in the US Air Force, and my younger brother served as an Army Signals officer.
When you step back and look at all the ways outside forces influence decisions like your career path, which dictates how much money you earn, the social circles you have access to, and even your overall quality of life, it’s easy to understand just how much of your life is beyond your control.
Birth Order
Astrology signs get all the press, but birth order is the hidden feature of personality development that few people talk about.
Researchers have found that your birth order, whether you were the oldest, middle, youngest, or only child, impacts outcomes like your temperament, sociability, and motivation.
First born children are more likely to be leaders and high achievers, while second borns are thought to be predisposed to being more easy going and relaxed.
If you’ve ever known someone who was an only child, they have their own personality quirks, which persist well into adulthood.
Only Children
confident
sensitive
self-centered
spolied
enjoys being the center of attention
First Borns
achiever and leader
Feeling of superiority
controlling
reliable
can be helpful or protective towards others
Youngest Children
Fun loving
outgoing
attention seeking
self-centered
manipulative
Source: “Birth Order Traits: Your Guide. www.parents.com.
You may think your personality is “just who you are”, when really it’s heavily impacted by something uncontrollable like when you were born into your family.
Additional Factors
The number of outside forces that shape your personality seem infinite.
Besides your parents, and birth order, the country you were born in, the religion you were raised with (if any), your height, your physical attractiveness, and your intellectual aptitude are all determined by genetics or dumb luck.
Each of these circumstances, and many, many more, shape your entire life in myriad ways.
With this in mind, it’s difficult for me to understand myself as anything other than a jumbled assembly of personality traits beyond my control.
Who would I be if my mother married a politician vs. my father the electrician?
What if I had been born last, instead of first, in my family of 6 children?
How would my life be different if I had been raised in England, Jamaica, or Brazil, instead of the US?
Who would you be if any number of the thousands of small details of your life, many of which were decided for you, before you were born?
-Chance