Notes From A Crash Out

One of my favorite quotes, which I reference often on this blog, is “It is possible to make no mistakes, and still lose”.

It is also, unsurprisingly, possible to know exactly what to do, and more importantly, what NOT to do, yet still choose wrong, and fail miserably.

I’m writing to you from the smoking wreckage of another relationship that went up in flames, detonated completely by myself.

I feel a combination of disappointment, shame, and detachment.

Although it sucks, I’ve been here before, and bounced back, better than ever, many times in my life.

Additionally, I lost a relationship with my so-called “dream girl” last year.

I found the living embodiment of a woman that I would have invented in a laboratory if I could have, then lost her.

After surviving that heart wrenching experience, losing a woman , even one I cared for deeply, simply doesn’t scare me.

I’ve already gained, and lost, everything I’ve ever wanted in a woman.

I’m not afraid of losing anyone else.

I just feel ashamed that I let someone down.

Backstory

Without going into the gory details: I consumed too much alcohol during a female friend’s (who I previously dated for about 6 months) birthday weekend in Las Vegas.

I picked up the tab for the day, a pool side cabana plus drinks and food, totaling nearly $1,000.

She thanked me, kissed me softly on the cheek, and I walked out drunk, sun baked, and feeling like the Man.

Fifteen minutes later, I launched into a racist tirade, directed at one of the girl’s friends. (Not completely unprovoked).

Which resulted in being asked to leave the resort property, making an ass of myself in front of my female friend, and her friends, and drunkenly wandering a residential neighborhood in Las Vegas looking for the Airbnb.

In short, I crashed tf out.

While I love a good racist tirade as much as anybody, pool side at my friend’s 30th birthday weekend celebration is the wrong situation to indulge myself.

I hurt her feelings, I put a black mark on her birthday celebration, and I put myself in a depth of emotional turmoil now lasting over a week.

“You need intense help”, she texted me. (As if I didn’t know.)

Along with,

“You’re not the person I thought you were”, and

“You broke my heart”.

We haven’t talked much since.

Our relationship seems irreparably damaged.

After Action Report

What’s done is done.

I’ve apologized.

I’m giving her (my former romantic interest) the distance she requested.

I journaled about it, and I’m writing about it here, which always provides me clarity and calm when I feel troubled.

Going forward, I realized I probably shouldn’t drink hard liquor, and have been researching therapy treatment, which helped me out so much a few years ago.

Other than that…, life goes on.

-Chance