Notes From A Crash Out
One of my favorite quotes, which I reference often on this blog, is from Patrick Stewart’s portrayal of Captain Jean Luc-Picard:
“It is possible to make no mistakes, and still lose”.
It is also (unsurprisingly) possible to know exactly what to do, and more importantly, what NOT to do, yet still choose wrong, and fail miserably.
Familiar diaster
I’m writing to you from the smoking wreckage of another relationship that went up in flames, detonated completely by my own deep character flaws.
I feel a familiar combination of shame, disappointment (in myself) and the heart breaking realization that no matter where I go,… there I am.
Although it sucks, I’ve been here before, and every single time, I bounced back, better than ever.
I still make incredibly stupid mistakes in interactions with women.
However, at least I’m making different mistakes.
I’m not scared to lose
As you know, I lost a relationship with my so-called “dream girl” last year.
(Read “Solitary Beast Finds His Dream Girl” and “Dream Girl Returns”)
I found the living embodiment of the perfect woman for me, one I would have invented in a laboratory if I could have, then lost her.
(She was married to someone else the entire time, mind you. Long story.)
Anyway, after surviving that deeply painful experience, losing a woman , even one I cared for deeply, simply doesn’t scare me.
I’ve already gained, lost, re-gained, and lost AGAIN, a woman who was everything I ever wanted.
I’m not afraid of the pain of losing anyone else.
I just feel ashamed that I let hurt someone I love.
Empty promises
In the days before the trip, she shared that she was worried about potential conflict of so many “strong personalities” converging for the weekend.
“Don’t worry”, I assured her.
“Just trust me”.
I told her she could depend on me, then I let her down.
Some men disparage older women for having too much baggage, being jaded, not being as warm and open as bright eyed, younger women.
We never stop to consider how a woman transforms from sweet, kind young woman, to the stereotypical bitter older broad.
It’s from negative experiences with men, which leave them scarred and defensive.
Unintentionally, I inflicted negative emotional baggage on one of the most important people in my life, on her 30th birthday.
Backstory
Without going into the gory details: I consumed too much alcohol during a female friend’s birthday weekend in Las Vegas.
This female friend and I previously dated for about 7 months, and she’s a huge part of my life.
We (were) still very close: communicating every day, seeing each other a few times a week.
This drunken meltdown happened after spending a nice day together, with her friends, at a resort pool party.
We vibed, danced, swam, and sunned ourselves.
She looked hot, and I told her so: in a bright green bikini, dark hair flowing, and fresh pedicure on her cute little toes.
“You look amazing”, I winked at her.
After we all had our fill of sun and drinks, I picked up the tab for the day.
We’d enjoyed a pool side cabana, plus drinks and food, totaling nearly $1,000 for just a few hours.
She thanked me, kissed me softly, smiled at me, tipsy and giggling, telling me she loved me.
I walked out of the casino resort, drunk, sun baked, and feeling like The Man.
Fifteen minutes later, I launched into a racist tirade, directed at one of the girl’s friends. (Not completely unprovoked).
Which resulted in being asked to leave the resort property, making an ass of myself in front of my female friend, and her friends, and drunkenly wandering a residential neighborhood in Las Vegas looking for the Airbnb.
In short, I crashed tf out.
While I love a good racist tirade as much as anybody, pool side at my friend’s 30th birthday weekend celebration is the wrong situation to indulge myself.
I hurt her feelings, I put a black mark on her birthday celebration, and I put myself in a depth of emotional turmoil now lasting over a week.
“You need intense help”, she texted me. (As if I didn’t know.)
Along with,
“You’re not the person I thought you were”, and
“You broke my heart”.
We haven’t talked much since.
Our relationship seems irreparably damaged.
After Action Report
What’s done is done.
The important thing is to learn the lesson, grow from the experience, and absolve to never commit such a damaging mistake again.
I’ve apologized, sincerely.
I acknowledged I was wrong, expressed my regret, and asked for her forgiveness.
I’m giving her (my friend and former romantic interest) the distance she requested.
I journaled about it, and I’m writing about it here, which always provides me clarity and calm when I feel troubled.
Going forward, I realized I probably shouldn’t drink hard liquor, and have been researching therapy treatment, which helped me out so much a few years ago.
Other than that…, life goes on.
-Chance