Dating Skills For Introverts
If you are a person that:
spends a lot of time alone
is internally referenced
is used to meeting your own emotional needs
and you’ve been dating for any amount of time, you’ve probably realized something.
Habits that seem normal to people like us can present BIG problems in dating and relationships.
Most people’s emotional needs, and expectations around love and support in romantic relationships are very different than those of people who identify as loners. We’re mostly used to handling our own needs internally.
We don’t realize that other types of people expect to rely on their partners for some of that support.
I’ve been dismissed as “selfish”, “unsupportive”, or worse, by frustrated former partners. I realize that those things might seem true to them, at the time. Unfortunately, that’s a misunderstanding that harms us both.
It’s not that I don’t care. I’m not a diabolical maniac bent on hurting people I love. I simply don’t understand relationship expectations that seem obvious to others, because I process my own emotions so differently.
I’ve lived alone for years. I have a handful of acquaintances that I see occasionally, but I don’t open up to them about my struggles.
I’ve figured out how to comfort myself when I feel down. When I’m struggling with sadness, or isolation, I write in a journal, lift weights, play guitar, or prepare myself a delicious meal.
I’m used to soothing myself. I doesn’t occur to me that other people want to talk their problems out, or reach to someone else for comfort. I feel completely surprised when my partners became frustrated, or lost their temper when I failed to show up for them emotionally in ways they expected.
For the loner, this feels terrible. First of all, you’re blindsided by an expectation that you didn’t see coming.
You retreat into shame, already a problem for many self-identified loners. Your partner is angry, disappointed, and hurt. You feel sad that you hurt them, and exasperated that they didn’t just say what they wanted from the start.
Loners, who many times can be classified as dismissive avoidant personality types, deal with the world very differently than other people. We process relationships differently, we tend to be accustomed to managing our own emotions independently of others, we are highly capable of handling our own needs. We don’t even realize that this is a deviation from the expectations of most people, many times our own partners.
To have any success in the realm of dating and relationships, you have to accept the fact that this fundamental difference exists.
In my case, I decided to turn my weakness in relationships into a strength.
In spite of the fact that I write a blog about being a loner, I invest hours into reading books, taking courses online, and practicing social and relationship skills in real life.
I identify as a “loner”, either by nature or because of things I’ve experienced along my path in life. I’m still strongly committed to being able to have the type of relationships I deeply crave, not just romantic, but with friends, family members, even my dogs. These skills don’t come naturally to me, but that’s fine. I’m a determined individual and thrive in the face of challenge.
I’ve accepted the fact that I will have to work harder than other people to have healthy relationships. This requires self-awareness, diligence, humility, and commitment.
I am by no means perfect, or even decent at this stuff, but I’m getting better every single day and showing massive improvements.
I make huge mistakes and lose big at times, but I’ve learned from every misstep, and I’m here to share those experiences and help the readers of this blog. Jay Z once rapped, “Hov did that, so hopefully you don’t have to go through that.”
1.Accept that you’re different
As I already mentioned, accept the fact that you see the world very differently than most other people. Most loners can be diagnosed as having an avoidant attachment style, characterized by being “extremely independent, self-directed, and often uncomfortable with intimacy” . Make sure to read the linked article on attachment theory by author Mark Manson, from his website, MarkManson.net.
Only about 25% of the adult US population fits this criteria, and the lack of openess means we often don’t date each other. Odds are, your partner, or prospective partner, is not this way and will need A LOT more emotional involvement than you do. If you understand that up front, you won’t be so surprised and frustrated when they express that they need more than you’re giving.
Once you accept that you see the world differently, you become aware that you’re going to have to work harder to show up as the kind of partner securely attached people want to be with.
2. Ask your partner what they need
I’ve done this, with mixed results, but I still think it’s a good idea to try. Ask your partner what you’re doing that they appreciate, and if there is anything you can do differently to help them feel supported and loved. Then listen. It seems simple, but hardly anybody does this.
3. Get good at listening
People will tell you what they need, if you know how to listen. Listen to your partner when they tell you things they like, in other relationships, food, music, attachment styles.
One good tip is to listen and remember little throwaway tidbits of conversation. You can surprise your partner by giving them a gift related to some anecdote they shared that one time. This is an almost fool proof technique, if you don’t overdo it.
Get good at anticipating their needs based on things they’ve mentioned they like. Things like small tokens of love, notes, tiny acts of kindness, even making them a cup of coffee exactly like they like, go a long way.
3. Overcompensate
This one is tricky because dating coaches that I follow caution against trying to buy women’s approval. You don’t want to come off as trying too hard, or like you’re trying to buy someone. I’ve messed up in the past because I didn’t want to do too much, and look desperate. By withholding the kind of attention women expect in relationships, I would end up pissing them off and ultimately getting rejected because I didn’t do enough.
Since learning from that mistake, I now make a point to be extra generous with my time, attention, and even money.
I’m not out here buying lavish trips or expensive designer bags, but I spring for drinks. After we’ve been intimate, and I’m assured she’s not only exploiting me for attention, I’ll pick up the check for dinner, activities, etc.
4. Commit
I’m comfortable spending time alone, and I enjoy it, but I’ve also dealt with crippling loneliness. In the depths of social isolation, I knew that I couldn’t live the rest of my life feeling desperately lonely for connection.
I committed to learning how to be a loving supportive person. Every day, I chase my goal with ferocity. I’ve been on the other side of loneliness. I don’t ever want to go back.
Some things I do to improve socially are read materials about building attraction and relationships. I read books over and over, highlighting and making notes on important concepts.
I practice in my daily life: opening strangers in pleasant conversation, giving genuine compliments to people, cracking playful jokes to make people smile. These are fundamentals, but they’ve helped me feel more open to fellow human beings (not only women I want to date).
Getting better at dating is getting better at all aspects of relationships: learning to read people, anticipate their needs, be supportive of their emotions.