Why Millennials Are So Lonely

The Millennial generation lives alone at rates unimaginable by any previous generation of Americans. There are currently more single women living in the United States than at any other time in recorded history.

The Family Adapts

In the 1970s, television shows like “Three’s Company” and “The Mary Tyler Moore Show” were considered groundbreaking: showing adults, unmarried, pursuing careers, and dating in adulthood, instead of raising families, as was the previous ideal.

Gigabytes of digital ink have been spilled over the disappearance of the “traditional family unit”, as if a singular definition of that even exists.

“The Family” has never been just one way. Humans have organized themselves in various different supportive units throughout time, and across cultures.

These family types aren’t a mandate etched in stone, humans created them to fit their needs, and social mores of the time.

Ward and June Cleaver, the suburban tract home, and 2.5 children were a creation of the post-war 1950s, not a template we must all eternally strive to live by.

In fact, tract homes, suburbs, and the so-called “American Middle Class” did not even exist until after World War II.

The June Cleaver housewife was a unique aspect of that time; women have always worked, inside and outside of the home, since agricultural times.

In the Biblical era, multiple wives and concubines were common, for men that could afford to support them. The practice is still alive today, in traditional Muslim societies, as well as among fundamentalist Latter Day Saints, also known as Mormons.

Selfish Humans

Traditionalist hand wringers point to the growing number of Millennials living alone, choosing to live child-free, and men ducking the responsibilities of marriage, and point to the spread of loneliness as one of the chief moral failings of our time.

I see it differently.

The Family Has Been Outsourced

In today’s world, most of the jobs of the “traditional family unit” have been automated, outsourced, and made largely obsolete by technology, like many other jobs that once required a human being to fill, such as bank tellers, telephone operators, and check out cashiers.

Prior to the technological advancements we enjoy in today, humans needed each other much more than we do now.

In the medieval Dark Ages, before matches and Bic lighters, fires were difficult and time consuming to start. Someone had to manually tend the hearth at home, to keep it from going out. We have the saying, “Keep the home fires burning”, as a throwback to that time.

As recently as the 1950s, all laundry was washed in big tubs and hung out to dry by hand, an all day undertaking.

In my hometown of New Orleans, it’s traditional to eat red beans and rice on Mondays, a custom from when the colored domestics of the city spent all day Monday washing and hang drying clothes.

Rather than preparing a time consuming meal that would interfere with the washing, they simmered a pot of red beans and smoked sausage on the stove the whole day. They could dedicate their day to the project of washing clothes, and the beans would ready to serve at dinner.

In the past, people chose wives and large families for convenience. Someone had to tend the fires, milk the cows, till the fields, cook dinner, and wash the clothes.

Now the programmable thermostat keeps the house a comfortable temperature, the microwave quickly heats meals, and automatic machines wash and dry our clothes.

The bloated workforce of wives and many children just aren’t necessary, not to mention that many options of birth control now exist, that didn’t before.

Now that family planning is possible, only within the last 40 years, people can have exactly the number of children they want.

Reality Disappoints

The reason people are lonely is because their expectations haven’t caught up to the post-family reality. Vice writer Allie Conti recently defined loneliness as “having fewer friends than you wish you had”.

Technology has freed humans from being reliant on each other.

However, we expect the ideal of a rich social life. When reality disappoints, loneliness is the result. If we were comfortable and happy living alone, if we expected to be on our own, loneliness would subside into happiness and contentment.

Adjusting Your Expectations

I’ll use myself as an example. A few years ago, I was in a 4 year relationship. We did the typical couple activities: making dinner together, walks in the park, cuddling on the couch, sex.

When that relationship ended, I was hit with a crushing sense of loneliness.

Instead of coming home from work to vent about my stressful day, I walked into an empty house. Instead of spooning while watching movies, I sat on the couch alone.

At first, the silence was deafening.

The loneliness was unbearable.

It took longer than I care to admit to get over that break up, if I ever did.

However, over the months that followed, my experience changed.

I grew accustomed to coming home to an empty house.

I took up Muay Thai. After work, I spent hours punching other guys in the face, rather than longing for my former partner.

I walked my dog alone, smiling at neighbors and chatting with people at the park.

While I cooked dinner, I decompressed from stressful days by cranking up music.

Eventually, I felt content, peaceful, even happy, instead of missing my relationship,

Nothing about my situation had changed. My mindset did.

As spiritual teacher Abraham Hicks wisely quoted:

“Everything is the way you feel about it”

My experience of being single, and living alone changed completely, just because I felt differently about it.

I had a similar transformation with spending weekends alone.

I currently spend most weekends solo: writing, sleeping, going on hikes, and weight training.

I used to feel embarrassed about my self-directed social life.

My previous negative attitude toward solo weekends caused me to hate the time off. I dreaded being asked, “What did you do this weekend?”

Over time, I grew tired of loathing days off, and decided to focus on enjoying my recreational time. I planned fun activities. I scoped out restaurants to try, looked forward to new release movies, and exploring uncharted territory on hikes.

My mindset shift changed everything.

I was still spending weekends alone, but because my attitude had changed, I felt totally differently about it.

I started liking my productive, relaxing, adventurous solo time.

Today, I find myself turning down invitations to meet up for drinks on weekend evenings.

I feel more comfortable chilling on my own doing the things I enjoy. I love feeling productive.

Rather than a ball of receipts from bars, it feels good to look back on things I’ve accomplished with my weekends: articles I’ve written, videos I’ve posted to my Youtube channel, and projects I’ve built around the house, with pride.

Figuring Out How to Be Alone

Millennials are lonely because we haven’t figured out how to be alone.

We think we’re supposed to be social animals, living adventurous lives like all the people we follow on social media. (Lifehack: Delete your social media. See my post “How Instagram is Making You Miserable)

When reality doesn’t match up, we feel disappointed.