"You're Not Lonely, You're Bored": Solitary Beast Podcast #4
A few years ago, I parted ways with the love of my life.
Our relationship had always been tumultuous: a cycle of screaming matches and slammed doors, followed by earnest apologies and passionate sex, then back to the beginning.
Toward the end of our relationship, I spent several nights sleeping in my car.
I would roll around all night, trying to get comfortable with the seat belt holder jamming into my side, barely sleeping.
After a cold, restless night, I would roll to the nearest gas station bathroom to brush my teeth and get dressed before work.
When I had enough, I found a crappy apartment and moved out.
Finally, I had peace.
No more of the merry go round of fight> sex> argument> break up> make up> sex> repeat.
No more walking on eggshells around my sensitive partner.
I was free to come and go as I pleased, without suspicion or explanation of who I’d be with, or how long I’d be gone.
I was filled with a sense of relief.
I was also completely miserable.
During my four year relationship, I had gotten used to texting my girlfriend throughout the day, sharing funny memes and stories from work.
(When we were getting along) we went on hikes, cooked meals, and went out for drinks together.
All of a sudden, my closest confidant and emergency contact weren’t even speaking.
Even for someone who enjoys being alone,
the loneliness was crushing.
An Empty House
Every evening I came home to an empty house and deafening silence.
I went to sleep in a cold bed without my warm, soft, girlfriend beside me.
I was happy to be done arguing, yet overwhelmed with despair at the same time.
It was one of the hardest times of my entire life. I wrote about that period in my post “The Family Has Been Outsourced”.
Within a few months, I started discovering new hobbies, like muay Thai, and fostering new ones: starting a Youtube channel and cooking more. Read my posts “15 Hobbies You Can Do Alone”. and “Why Every Man Needs Muay Thai”.
As I filled my time with growing my passions, the loneliness melted away. I was busy experiencing new hobbies and enjoying myself. I had no time to feel alone.
Now, I enjoy and even CRAVE my time alone to work on projects, read, write for Solitary Beast, and play guitar.
Nothing about my daily life changed.
My perspective, and the things I value shifted, and that transformed my world.
A quote that resonates here is one I first heard from Coach Corey Wayne,
“We suffer when we want reality to be other than it is.”
As I grew used to solitude, it felt more like home.
I didn’t have to check with my girlfriend before I made plans.
I could date and seduce other women.
I could spend as much time alone as I chose, which was always a point of contention during our time together.
I was free to do whatever I wanted.
There’s no such thing as loneliness.
Some people can be alone for days at a time, never speaking to another human being, and relish in the solitude.
Others go crazy being alone for only a few hours. They need constant validation assuring them that they are a worthy and valuable human being, or they start to panic.
That feeling of being “lonely” is the space between what you want and what you have. It’s the friction of wanting something you don’t possess.
You can choose to want the situation you have, just as easily as choosing a shirt in the morning.
Choosing changes everything.
Meet Your Emotional Needs
Another way I solved my problem of feeling lonely, is that I learned to meet the emotional needs that were left unfulfilled once I left that relationship.
For example, I missed coming home and sharing my thoughts and stories about my day with someone.
I felt despondent at having so much to share, but no one to talk to.
My solution was to start writing my ideas and stories down in a journal.
I’ve kept a journal since I was 10 years old; I still have stacks of them in boxes.
I resolved to be intentional about getting my thoughts out.
That habit grew into a YouTube channel, and this blog you’re reading now.
As Viewers and readers began to respond to my content, through comments and emails, I started to meet people who shared my viewpoints and experiences.
I felt fulfilled by expressing myself, and it felt powerful to help others with information and advice.
My favorite aspect of Solitary Beast is hearing from men who feel inspired and motivated by my words.
Instead of talking to just one person about my ideas, I’m able to broadcast them over the entire world.
Solitary Beast attracts readers from dozens of countries, across 6 continents. It’s gratifying to share parts of my life with you, and hear about your opinions in the comments on the posts.
You may not want to start a blog or YouTube channel. However, you will continue to struggle with a sense of emptiness and boredom, which often gets called “loneliness”, until you find positive outlets for your energy.
Human relationships require an investment of time, as well as emotional and mental energy.
When your closest relationships dissolve, as mine did, you feel empty and lost with nowhere to channel that life force.
Check our my post “15 Hobbies For Introverts” and “15 Ideas to Enjoy A Weekend Alone”, for ideas on ways to fill your time with adventure and discovery.
You’re not “lonely”, you’re bored.
If you were immersed in activity you’re passionate about, such as writing a novel or learning code to create a new video game, you wouldn’t even be thinking about having someone else around.
If you were working on a project you’re truly passionate about, the opposite would be true, you’d be trying to get time alone to build your great idea.
In fact, if you are often sitting around feeling “lonely”, getting a girlfriend, or a group of friends won’t fix your problem.
Women are evolved to smell neediness and weakness in men the way that dogs smell can fear.
She will smell loneliness on you like cheap cologne, and it will repel her.
Without hobbies that you are passionate about to take up your time, you will seem boring to women, if you can get a date at all. What will you talk about if all you’ve been doing is sitting around wishing to get a girlfriend?
Further, the most common way that people meet friends or women to date is through hobbies and social groups. How will you meet people if you’re not out pursuing your interests?
If you were to make friends or meet a woman (unlikely) if you are sitting home feeling sorry for yourself, you will quickly push them away by seeming needy.
Do Something
Your best course of action is to build an exciting life for yourself, by cultivating your hobbies.
You’re just sitting around anyway.
Take advantage of all your free time to buy the motorcycle you’ve always wanted, sign up for CrossFit, start flying model airplanes, racing RC cars, or participating in Civil War reenactments.
It doesn’t matter what it is, as long as you’re genuinely curious about the topic- but do SOMETHING!
Get off the couch, get out of your house, and start enjoying your free time.
You Still Need Friends
Of course, humans evolved as social animals.
No matter how many hobbies you pursue, you will still feel the need for healthy human connection.
The need to feel accepted and affirmed by other people is coded deep into tour DNA. There’s no reason to fight, or feel ashamed of, that fact.
The good news is that everyone else has this deep need built inside them as well.
We are all surrounded by other people who also need to feel our acceptance we can offer them.
This is the healthiest way to approach the “How do I make friends?” question: by realizing that other people also want to feel connected to others, just like you.
Some actions you can take when you feel like connecting to others is to meet their needs for relationships.
Call your grandmother or other older relative.
Grandparents often feel lonely and isolated as well.
They are disconnected from networks like work or church, they can’t just go out to bars and meet people like younger folks can.
I have a reminder set to call my grandma every Wednesday afternoon.She loves hearing from me. It makes her feel loved to know I’m thinking about her. I also feel good getting that connection and conversation with someone I love.
Talk to Your Neighbors
Start with a smile and a wave, or walk over and compliment their garden.
If you live in an apartment, you can simply say “Hello” to your neighbors in the hallway or parking garage.
I just say “Hey dude” then offer a genuine compliment, or ask a question: “Those are some cool shades (or shirt, watch, etc), where’d you get those?”.EVERYBODY enjoys compliments and positive feedback. Genuine good vibes will go a long way to building relationships with others.
Fill the Silence
When I get feeling like this, I’ll play a stand up comedy station on the Pandora smartphone app, while I cook, fold laundry, or work out at home.
A comedy album on your phone isn’t a human connection, but this a go-to that I always do when the house feels too quiet, and I don’t want to feel alone, but I also don’t feel like being around anyone else.
Something about the cadence of comedy feels like being in a conversation. Laughing is good medicine, it even says so in the Bible.
Another thing you can do is listen to podcasts or audiobooks.
At this point, I’ve mastered solitude to the point that I prefer it.
Even when I’m in a relationship, or have guests visiting, I need find quiet time to myself to be with my thoughts, to plan, dream, and recharge.
I treasure my alone time, and I feel thankful to be blessed with so much of it.
Men in relationships, or raising families often complain about their lack of free time to invest in their own hobbies.
Sure, they love their partners and families, but time alone is often nonexistent for men who live with women, as they are forced to meet her constant demands of time, energy, and attention, or face the consequences.
There is always going to be some tension in life, whichever lifestyle you choose.
The married man can’t get a minute alone.
The bachelor pursuing the Solitary Beast path can feel lonely, if he doesn’t build an interesting life that keeps him engaged in travel and interests.
It’s up to you to choose what you can live with, and what you can live without.
My life is filled with work, hobbies, projects, and writing.
I’m not “lonely”.
I’m free.
-Solitary Beast