When Women Ghost You: 8 Actions to Feel Better Instantly
If you are a man on dating apps, it's only a matter of time before you get flaked on.
Despite all the digital ink being spilled over ghosting and flaking; they aren't new concepts.
Humans are as self-centered and self-involved as we’ve ever been.
It’s likely that we are all hearing about flaking more, as more people remain unmarried, and even out of long term relationships, later and later into adulthood.
Sociologists, and even every day people explain this with reasons from demanding careers, swipe apps, rising rates of social anxiety, choice paralysis, feminism, changing gender roles, and easy access to internet porn.
Here’s how to deal with it.
Manage your expectations.
The Buddha taught, “Life is suffering. Suffering is caused by desire.”
Discomfort in any situation is caused by your desire that the situation be different than it is.
Think about how it feels to walk into work on your first day, after a long job hunt, vs walking into the same job a few years later, when you’re bored and fed up with your boss and co-workers. The job didn’t change, your attitude did, and your attitude is everything.
The days and hours before a date, especially with someone you’re excited about, are a thrilling rush of anticipation. It’s fun to think about the evening unfolding: what you’ll wear, what you’ll say, how the night will end.
Enjoy the positive emotions. At the same time, manage your expectations to understand that people sometimes flake. Their plans change, their ex texts back. They meet someone they are more excited about. That’s life. Accept it. Don’t bum yourself out being negative, but be prepared for the worst so you aren’t blindsided if it happens.
Understand that sometimes things don’t work out. You will be less disappointed when your date cancels at the last minute, or doesn’t show up at all.
2. Plan a fun evening that you can enjoy anyway.
Modern dating coaches are preaching the low cost coffee date as a way to save money when meeting women. At this point, it’s cliche, and women are onto it.
For one, it’s boring. All the internet dating gurus are advising coffee dates, so all guys are doing it. (How many guys have asked her to meet for coffee this week?) Second, it’s low/ no effort.
Invest more creative energy to stand out in the sea of guys inviting her for another coffee at Starbucks. Instead, offer fun (inexpensive) dates, where women are joining you for one of your hobbies.
Inviting her to join you in one of your interests is a cool way to show her how you are unique. It’s an activity you would enjoy anyway, so when you text “Hey! Are we still on for tonight?” and she doesn’t answer, grab your jacket and go anyway.
Fun, low cost dates include:
ice cream/ gelato shops
a walking tour of graffiti or interesting buildings in your city
bar arcades
hikes
the climbing gym
street festivals
museums of subjects you are legitimately interested in
getting takeout or bringing snacks to a beautiful local park
Get pumped to do something cool, and if she can make it, awesome. If not, go anyway and meet someone new there.
3. Meet women IRL, on purpose.
“Anything that needs to be done repeatedly can be systematized. If it is to be done well, it has to be.” -Ashley Davis
Learn the skill of meeting women and creating attraction, and do it in real life, on purpose.
Invest time in books, blogs, and other resources that will teach you the key elements of approaching women. Creating attraction in women is a skill, just like driving a stick shift, shooting a free throw, skiing, etc. You can and should learn it, then use your skills to approach women in real life.
Women are less likely to flake when they see you as a real person who has shared a face to face connection, rather than a combination of pixels on a screen.
Join groups and start hobbies that you genuinely enjoy, and befriend everyone. I do mean everyone. Introduce yourself to retirees, moms, teenager, etc. Meeting other guys is works well. You’ll meet buddies that share your interests, and they’ll start inviting you to events where you can meet new interesting new people. It’s a matter of time before they introduce you to women you want to ask out.
4. Pour your energy into a creative outlet.
Creative hobbies such as writing, drawing, guitar, etc, provide an outlet for your emotions, not just about dating, but about everything else going on in your life.
Life as a human presents relentless challenges: rejection, disappointment, emotional wounds. Expressing your emotions through creative hobbies will keep you emotionally healthier and happier than repressing your emotions by bottling them up inside.
5. Are you just lonely?
Sex gets all the headlines, but if we’re honest with ourselves, we can acknowledge that sometimes you really just need a good hug.
Guys sometimes use the pursuit of women and sex to provide deeper emotional needs such as validation, companionship, physical affection, an emotional connection.
If you’re lonely, admit it to yourself and take some steps toward changing that. Even self-identified loners sometimes crave physical contact and emotional acknowledgement. In therapy circles, they call it being “seen, known, and understood”.
Even if you have no friends at all, if you decide you’re bummed about your date because you need emotional connection, reach out to a family member or even walk in the park and pet some friendly looking dogs.
The US Surgeon General named loneliness “the greatest public health crisis of our time”. Many people you encounter throughout the day will be feeling the ache of loneliness just as you are.
Muster up a little strength to get in the mirror and smile at yourself. Congratulations, you’re alive. Go out for a cup of coffee and make a little conversation with the barista. Talk to kids and old people, they’re usually always down for a harmless chat.
6. Be thankful for the lesson.
This seems like weird advice, but it is as old as the stoic philosophers of ancient Greece.
“If someone trains me to be even tempered, am I not benefited in that case? …For me, he is good: he exercises my powers of fairness and sociability. ...For my part, I can say ‘Bring whatever challenge you please and I will turn it into good account.” -Epictetus
Life is unpredictable. Our time on Earth is short. Stoics believed that the highest virtue is rolling with the punches and learning, rather than allowing the ebb and flow of life to disturb your emotional center.
Shit happens. Deal with it however you decide is best, then shrug it off and keep plugging.
7. Help someone worse off than you.
Unfortunately, there’s plenty of loneliness and disappointment in the world to go around. One of the best things you can do with the energy of disappointment is let it fuel you to find someone else to help.
Find a sick or elderly neighbor and offer to help in his yard, or some other household chore. This gets you outside of yourself. Most importantly, it helps someone else
8. Date women that like you.
When I was about 15, I was moping around the house, sad about a crush that didn’t reciprocate my interest. My grandmother, then in her 60s, smiled, then shook her head knowingly. “Baby”, she commiserated, “Love who love you.”
No matter who you are, or what you look like, there are women who are already attracted to you. You’re writing them off because they don’t meet your (probably unreasonably high) standards, and shooting yourself in the foot in the process.
Movies and television make it seem like the only way to be happy is to be in love with a perfect supermodel. Those shows don’t depict that the “Perfect 10” woman is vain, shallow, and suffers from crippling self-doubt. She’s materialistic, she may have an eating disorder, she’s addicted to social media. She looks sexy as hell on a magazine cover, but in real life, she’s a stuck up brat you wouldn’t want to be around for 10 minutes.
Then there’s normal, cute women from your work or school who don’t look as amazing as models, but are a lot more fun to be around. The world is full of women who aren’t Instagram models but are pretty, chill, interesting and are (this is key) already showing interest in you.
This tip is adapted from the self-improvement blog, GoodLookingLoser.com The blog’s founder, Chris Deoundes, advises guys to pursue “average to slightly above average" looking women, that already like you, for better results in dating and sex.
Some men anchor their self-esteem on picking up THE HOTTEST women around. Chris, along with many other guys, have realized that it’s easier to learn to appreciate the best aspects of women that already like you, than to get frustrated chasing women that don’t.
Very traditionally attractive women get approached constantly, many times by men taller, richer, and better looking than you, and they know it. Even if you can get them to agree to a date, they will feel they can do better. This increases the chance of flakes.
Mitigate this by pursuing pretty, but more average looking women that are excited to go out with you. These women will often be more fun that the perfect Instagram model you think you want. Better yet, if she she sees you as highly attractive, she’ll be eager to show you how much she appreciates you; showering you with compliments, sex, and gifts. (Which you should appreciate and reciprocate.) Women that are very attracted to you won’t flake.
You won’t ever be able to prevent people from disappointing you. It’ll happen in small things like a Tinder date, or big events like your wife going out for a pack of cigarettes and never coming back. The only thing you can control is what you focus on, and how you decide to feel about it.
Good luck out there.