Break Up Breakdown, Part 2: 5 BIGGEST MISTAKES In My Last Relationship
Now it’s been three weeks since I got the, “I’m not interested in pursuing this as a relationship anymore…” text.
Like any major life change, it feels uncomfortable, raw, sometimes
With all my new, involuntary free time, I have been able to reflect on my actions in my last relationship, and evaluate what went wrong.
Ruled By Insecurity
I tend to wrestle with insecurity in my relationships anyway. I experience intense fear of rejection and abandonment.
My former girlfriend, “Brittany”, was a re-run of many of the patterns I’ve experienced in the past.
One way I deal with my overwhelming fear, is by reflexively pushing people away.
I KNOW I am doing it, and I KNOW it won’t end well, but I feel gripped by white knuckle sense of dread.
I uncontrollably do and say things that are guaranteed to repel partners and potential friends, because I secretly want to feel re-assured that they will like me anyway, after they see my flaws.
Some of the ways this showed up is in mentioning previous relationships, and constantly bragging about all the women I’d previously dated (to my then-girlfriend).
It was like I needed to prove that lots of women think I’m attractive and interesting.
Women that like me will put up with my repulsive behavior at first, but it gets old quick, then they’re avoiding me like the plague.
The cycle goes as follows:
Terrified of Abandonment >>>>> Push People Away Out of Crippling Fear (really seeking assurance that they love me and won’t leave >>>>> Person Tries For A While, Eventually Gets Fed Up and Abandons Me >>>>> My Fear of Abandonment Is Reinforced and Gets Worse >>>>> Cycle Repeats
I have fumbled amazing women, who loved me and wanted to be with me, by not being able to control my fear of abandonment
Seduced By Complacency
When Brittany and I met, I was on a men’s indoor soccer team, trail racing every week, skiing, and actively remodeling my house.
I had just started a new, higher paying position in my career.
To her, I must have seemed ambitious and driven, at first.
Once Brittany was in love with me, showering me with compliments, sex, and hand written love notes, I took my foot off the gas.
While I stayed fit and athletic with weight training and running, I got completely lazy in other areas of my life during my short relationship.
I was earning a modest but comfortable living and sleeping with a woman I felt very attracted to.
I stopped playing soccer and only trail raced a few times, instead of every week, as I had before.
(To be fair, I had just started a new, better paying job, and I ran two half marathons during this time. I’m currently training for a 30K (18 mile) trail race in southern Utah this weekend. I wasn’t a complete slouch.)
Brittany is a successful, highly educated professional. She was undoubtedly turned off by my lessened ambition in my hobbies, and leaving house projects half finished for weeks.
Many men fall into the trap of getting too comfortable, and letting things slowly start to fall off.
As Mystery taught in his seminal book, The Mystery Method, “keeping a woman around is an active process”.
Women NEED to see that their man is always pushing forward, consistently taking on new challenges, and slaying bigger and fiercer dragons.
It sounds exhausting, and it is, but that’s what it takes.
Thought I Had I All Figured Out
In How to Be A 3% Man, Coach Corey Wayne teaches that if a woman feels a high level of attraction for you, and you ACT attractive, it only takes 8- 9 weeks for her to fall in love with you.
I applied the strategies I learned in the book in my relationship with Brittany, and it worked like a charm.
While cuddling after a passionate round of love making, Brittany admitted to me “…I want to be your girl…”
Mission accomplished, right on schedule.
I continued to read 3% Man, and watch Corey Wayne and Casey Zander videos on Youtube, but I stopped developing myself emotionally.
Someone with a history of destroying relationships of all kinds, needs to take healing VERY SERIOUSLY.I’ve decided I need to seek books, coaching, mentoring, and therapy, as I continue to heal and improve.
This is like an obese person committing to working with a nutritionist and personal trainer, or Arnold Schwarzenegger enrolling in acting classes and speech therapy.
Intimate relationships are an area where I need continued support, at least until I break these harmful patterns.
Once I had my “dream girl” in love with me, I barely thought about working on myself to fine tune my relationship skills.
Not Communicating My Feelings
The last straw for Brittany was my tendency to stonewall her, or shut down, when I felt upset about something she had done.
She was “co-parenting” with her previous partner, meaning she is constantly communicating and spending time with her ex. (More on that later.)
This situation only exacerbated my the challenges I’ve experienced with anxious attachment.
When she would mention his name, I bristled, but I never mentioned it to her.
I didn’t feel that I have any right to complain about an area of her life that I knew about before we even met.
Brittany had mentioned her close relationship with her child’s father when we first started chatting on Bumble, before we ever met.
I figured she would just break up with me if I made an issue about it.
Oddly, I felt thankful that she was sharing information about their relationship with me. I had no other way to know what was going on between them.
It drove me CRAZY, but I only mentioned it to my girlfriend after she practically begged me to tell her why I’d been acting distant.
That damaged our relationship and ultimately led to us breaking up.
Chose the Wrong Partner
I shared a MAGICAL eight month relationship with a woman that I adored.
We laughed, played, cooked together, and enjoyed a passionate and fulfilling connection.
I wouldn’t change anything about that experience.
However, a woman who is deeply involved with her previous romantic partner, is not an ideal person for me.
I don’t want to have to constantly think about my girlfriend seeing and spending time with her ex.
They would take their daughter ice skating together, they were together at the kid’s first day of school, at ballet recitals. They even went on a “family” weekend camping trip together.
My girlfriend communicated openly with me about it, and swore she no longer feelings had for him, but it ate at me.
Brittany’s complicated relationship with her child’s father should have been a giant red flag that stopped me from pursuing her.
I was blinded by desiring her, and reveling in her playful, loving personality.
My main and major mistake was the fact that I didn’t run away from her like the wind from the very beginning.
Conclusion
Three weeks post-break up, I have ups and downs.
Some days I think, “She couldn’t really have loved me if she left me so fast” and “I want my own woman all to myself, without having to share with some other guy”.
Other days I feel overwhelmed with missing my former dream girl. I feel hollow, broken, and alone.
This morning, we were cuddling in bed.
I felt her warm, soft skin against mine.
The light floral notes of her shampoo scented the air between us.
I leaned down to kiss her, just as our lips were about to touch,
I woke up.