7 Things That Happened After I Got Ghosted
Getting rejected by a woman I really liked, for completely avoidable reasons that were 100% my fault, took a lot out of me.
The last two months have been a tailspin into the depths of depression, self-loathing, and hopelessness.
I had accomplished the seemingly impossible:
-matching with an attractive, successful, sophisticated woman on a dating app
-leading the conversation to get her comfortable, and raise her interest in me
-ask her on a date
-which she showed up to, on time, looking sexy
-got her on a second date, where she really seemed to like me…
Until I screwed it up.
A relationship with my ideal woman crashed and burned before it even started.
My dream girl was gone.
I was faced with the decision to either off myself: leaping off the nearest bridge, swallowing a shotgun barrel,… or make the best of it.
Since you’re reading this, you know which one I chose.
I dove into a process of transforming myself, transmuting the devastating pain of grief and loss into energy to improve myself, into a person that doesn’t fumble once in a decade opportunities with the kind of woman I’ve always desired, or at least lasts longer than two dates.
I started keeping my house spotless. I wash dishes after every meal. I never leave the house without wiping the table and kitchen counter. I clean the bathroom vanity of toothpaste, trimmed beard hairs. I sweep up the dog fur, and make the bed every morning as soon as I wake up. Years ago, when I was dating 3-4 times a week, I was in the pattern of keeping the house presentable for guests. As I haven’t been entertaining any women, I had fallen away from the habit.
Tackling remodel projects. I used the energy that I felt from getting rejected to motivate me to finish projects I had been procrastinating on, or ignoring. There’s still plenty to do, but I finished the most obvious projects that had been lingering for months or years.
Realize I’m underachieving and need to step it up. I’m not good enough in my career, education, car, house, lifestyle, body, and even the way I carry myself, as a man in his 40s. I enrolled in university to finish a degree, applied for higher paying jobs, signed up to work with a personal trainer, and started researching coaching to improve my emotional self control and communication skills.
Learned to be present in the moment. A lot of what hurts about getting ghosted by this person was that I had spent so much time fantasizing what it would be like to build a relationship with them: dates I wanted to take them on, introducing them to my friends, etc. The loss of that burgeoning relationship was the loss of all the wild plans I had made, only two weeks into knowing the person.
Learned to control my emotions and obsessive thoughts. The first few days after getting ghosted, my brain was racked with panic attacks. I couldn’t concentrate at work. I would feel engulfed by dread, struggling to breathe, almost trembling with raw emotion. I felt physically ill.
I learned to use self-regulation techniques, like paced breathing: the physiological sigh, and long slow exhales, to get myself under control. The more I did the techniques, the better I felt.
Learning to accept what is. Everything that happened, happened. I can’t change the past. Neither can I change my date’s mind about not wanting to see me. It is what it is. In this moment of intense disappointment and pain, the only choice is to accept it. I focus on each present moment. I throw myself fully into everything I do. When I train weights, I concentrate fully on the sensations in my body, my hands wrapped around the cold metal bar, my muscles tensing under the load, blood rushing through my body as I lift. When I run my weekly trail race, I focus on the rhythm of my feet, my heart pumping, feeling awe-struck by the beautiful mountain vistas. In the midst of extreme sadness, I feel moments of triumph, gratitude, and joy.
Learned more about myself. I would never imagine that I could make so many mistakes, so badly, with someone I wanted to build a connection with so deeply. Since that night, I’ve had a lot to think about, wondering why that happened, what factors caused me to be in such a panicked emotional state, and what I need to do to ensure that never, ever, ever happens again. I’m forced to look inside, and figure out what the fuck is wrong with me. I found wellsprings of fear, shame, anxiety. Emotional needs I had been ignoring, now swarmed and writhed in plain sight, like kicking over a rock and finding a snake nest. The question I ask myself is, “How can I heal myself?”, and “How can I use this experience to help others?”
Conclusion
My greatest failure has turned out to be a priceless gift.
I am forced to face myself in the mirror, and take a cold, unwavering look at the person staring back at me.
What does this mean about me that a golden opportunity can land in my lap, and I not only fumble, I set it on fire?
Who do I need to become to stop hurting others, and sabotaging myself?
I’m still pondering the answers.