Women Love Them For How You Make Them Feel: Comment of the Week
I love this week’s COTW.
Reader JC, replied to my post, “Top 5 Habits of Guys Who Are Getting Laid More Than You”:
“Women love you for what you can do for them, and how you make them feel”
He’s right.
I’d add to it that EVERYONE loves you for:
what you can do for them
how you make them feel
Your life will be easier, more fun, and more predictable if you accept this wisdom, and absorb it fully.
Margaret Atwood, author of The Handmaid’s Tale also wrote:
“The desire to be loved is the last illusion.
Give it up, and you will be free.”
If you walk around, expecting women, or anybody, to “like you for you”, waiting for the magical moment when a special someone recognizes your inherent value, and spontaneously decides to fall madly in love with you…
you’re going to be waiting a long time.
EVERYONE (not just women) is selfish, self-centered, and mainly focused only on themselves and things that are relevant for them: their kids, their romantic relationship, their job, etc.
Once you accept this, everything makes sense.
Love doesn’t exist.
Accept it.
Your entire life, everyone from the women you date, to your boss, your co-workers, your friends, and even your mother, is constantly evaluating the amount of value you are bringing to the situation.
If any of the above mentioned people ever think they can get more value somewhere else- they’ll abandon you for the next shiny thing.
That’s it.
Once I internalized this I felt overwhelmed with the sense of freedom Margaret Atwood wrote about.
I realized I didn’t need to try so hard to be “loved”.
I also discovered that I actually have a lot of agency in situations were I previously felt completely neutered and powerless.
“Love” isn’t a matter of chance meetings or the whim’s of Cupid’s arrow.
It’s just business.
You have your hand on the dial controlling the flow of approval, affection, acceptance, and appreciation in you life.
To get more “love” from anyone in your life, simply provide more value.
Invest the time to figure out what “value” means to the people you want “love” from, then give it to them, lavishly.
This will work in every relationship in your life.
Examples
Fundamental to this is understanding that people know when someone is giving just to get something from them.
Having boundaries, commanding respect, and being willing to put your foot down with people has more valuable than being a wimpy pushover.
There’s a balance to everything, and you must find it.
Additionally, not everyone will be able to see or accept your value at any given time.
Dita Von Teese said, “You can be the ripest, juiciest peach in the world, and there’s still gonna be somebody who hates peaches”
But you can’t find out without asking.
Offer your gifts to the world, then move on when you meet people who aren’t interested.
When you meet the small amount of people who are interested in what you have to offer: go hard.
Some examples of what people value are:
Good vibes (someone who is fun, light hearted, and enjoyable to be around)
Positivity
Non-judgemental personality
Slow to offer their own opinion (“What do you think about it?” are the magic words)
Quick to forgive
Generous (buy a round of drinks, pick up the tab at dinner for friends, invite them to sports games or concerts on you, if possible)
Make them feel special (remember people’s birthdays, congratulate them on their successes, compliment their style, sense of humor, or another non-physical trait)
As JC wrote, "(People) will love you for what you do for them, and how you make them feel”
The crazy thing is that puts you in almost complete control of how much you receive from others.
Women
In romantic relationships with women, “value” often looks like the opposite of what you might think.
In fact, the loving gestures and flowery words you assume would win a woman’s heart usually backfire.
Women tend to perceive value as the reassurance that you are better than she is, in some way.
A man that is better than her would display it by:
Being busy with work, friends, hobbies, and interests outside of her
Ignoring her texts (periodically)
Taking a little longer to respond to messages
Just inviting her over instead of planning elaborate or expensive dates
Not complimenting her, or doing so sparingly
Never mentioning future plans on dates
A wise man (Coach Corey Wayne) has said, “Women like you more when they think they like you, a little more than you like them”.
Conclusion
People in general love feeling like they are getting to be friends with someone “higher value” than them, and tend to enjoy chasing that person’s approval.
Part of the game is positioning yourself as that higher value person (not difficult), and giving the other person space to pursue your attention.
Value is always being evaluated, compared, and sought after.
However, outside of a few inherently advantages, “value” is individually subjective, based on each person’s model of the world.
A woman at 23 who has moved away from her hometown for the first time is going to value a different set of qualities in a man than the same woman at 32 when she’s ready for a serious relationship and children.
You’re not for everybody, and you shouldn’t try to be.
To get more love, find people who are seeking what you have to offer, then lock in on giving them the value they crave.