9 Important Things I Learned in 2019

1. Attraction Is Not A Choice

I first read this line in David DeAngelo’s book by the same name. This is obvious for anyone who’s seen women running behind guys that treat them poorly, but been confused when those same women want to be “just friends” with saps who would worship them.

Attraction happens at a visceral level. It’s either there, or it’s not.

Certain physical and emotional characteristics trigger attraction in women: decisiveness, confidence, height, relative to hers, social status, etc.

Other emotional characteristics repulse women, and guarantee rejection: neediness, weakness, emotional vulnerability, sensing that the man has few other romantic options, being too available.

Men need to understand that no amount of favors, rides, or free attention will ever convince a woman to like you if she doesn’t feel it intrinsically first.

Corey Wayne teaches in his book How to Be a 3% Man: when a woman you like romantically offers “just friends”, firmly decline. Tell her to call you if she changes her mind, and walk away.

I had the experience of hooking up with a woman, then getting too emotionally attached (neediness/ being too available is universally unattractive to women).

As a result, I ended up being used for “nice guy” favors and attention. I eventually cut my losses and stopped taking her calls. Months later, I met a (much prettier and more interesting) woman who was instantly attracted to me. It was a completely different experience. By that time, I was more muscular, more confident, had been studying game etc.

Through years of frustration I eventually found the immortal work of my Lord and Savior, relationship coach Corey Wayne. I finally learned to just be attractive, confident, and masculine, and let interested women pursue me.

2. Love Who Love You

A few years ago, when my last long term relationship ended, I hit Tinder. I was carefully searching for another woman for whom I felt the same intense level of physical and emotional attraction.

I used to actually read profiles. I swiped left for any the smallest imperfection: a hairstyle, or political opinion I didn’t like, kids.

I was acting like a prissy little bitch.

Unsurprisingly, I got very few matches and went on precious few dates during that time. I spent a lot of weekend nights alone on my couch, with my dog and my ridiculously high standards. (See my post “15 Ways to Enjoy a Weekend Alone”)

Eventually I reached the point where I was too horny to have standards. I surrendered to dating women who were friendly, fun, available, and interested in me. Chris Deoundes at the blog GoodLookingLoser.com helped me out a lot with his post on the topic.

These weren’t necessarily women I’d want to move in with, but I did have a bunch of fun dates, flirting, and sex as a result of changing my approach. I implemented one of the core principles, or “presuppositions” of NLP: “If what you’re doing isn’t working, try anything else”.

Of course, I am not promoting “using” or misleading anyone. I’m kind, considerate, and gentlemanly with all women that I date: supermodels to more average looking women.

I simply broadened my horizons to be able to appreciate women who would have slipped under my (unreasonably shallow) radar before.

This revolutionized my dating life, and I met several interesting, fun women.

3. Weight training changed my life

The first time I wandered into my local gym, I loaded a 35 pound plate on each end of the 45 lb bar, slid underneath and strained to lift the bar off the rack.

I promptly dropped it on throat in front of all the guys in the gym.

The other guys didn’t even try to hide their snickers and laughter. A few shook their heads and rolled their eyes at the noob that almost killed himself his first day in the weight room. I swallowed my embarrassment, struggled the 35 pound plates off, and slipped on a pair of much more humbling 10 pounders.

I was a 165 lb skinny fat blob with no muscle definition: scrawny arms, soft belly, and a flabby chest

November 2017: 175 lbs, 20%+ body fat. Skinny fat with boobs. We all started somewhere.

Over the 2.5 years that followed, I lost weight, carved a chest and shoulders of a Greek statue, and arms that women grab in bars when they’re flirting with me.

More than just picking up a hobby, I fell into an obsession.

My weight training routine became the center of my life. I read bodybuilding websites like the Bible. I started intermittent fasting, chugging supplements, and avoiding alcohol with the discipline of a novice monk.

In return for my dedication, I was rewarded with strength, a body I am proud of, and a well of self confidence.

It’s more than the empty vanity of looking good in car windows (which I do) but I’m proud of myself for committing to training and sticking to it.

The mental discipline I gained is much more valuable than some muscle tone and a nice chest. Everyone knows they should be active in the gym, but I’m one of the proud few that buckled down and got it done, as well as the joy of being capable and strong.

December 2019: A trimmer and much stronger 155 lbs. More toned, more muscle, abs and shoulders coming in. My dog is unimpressed.

“I know I can succeed in anything I choose, and I know this because I understand what it takes to sacrifice, struggle, persist, and eventually overcome an obstacle.” -Arnold Schwarzenegger

4. Imperfect action is better than perfect inaction

About a year ago, I sat down in front of my smartphone in a local park, and recorded myself talking about my life in Salt Lake City. I posted that video to YouTube. Over the next few months, I recorded dozens more on various aspects of my life in this beautiful, but unusual town.

Views on that video ballooned to 12,000 views and hundreds of comments, many from people thanking me for how much I helped them with the information I provided. People have decided to move to Utah, or not: life changing decisions- based on my videos. Something that started as a hobby turned into a source of deep fulfillment knowing that I’ve helped thousands of people I’ve never even met.

In April 2019, I was able to monetize my videos and started earning a few dollars from ads. At this point, it’s just enough to buy myself a couple pizzas each month, but it’s something. It’s proof of concept that I can earn money online.

Up to this point, I’ve recorded all my videos, some with over 100,000+ views, on a 4 year old iPhone with a cracked screen. I don’t know anything about cameras, microphones, or video editing, yet I’ve impacted people all over the world with the information I’ve shared on the channel.

By contrast, I am acquainted with an aspiring Youtuber who has more disposable income than time or discipline to actually record and post videos. He’s proudly showed me thousands of dollars of camera equipment: a $2,500 DSLR, microphones, lighting gear, and tripods. He pays for an annual subscription to fancy video editing software. He can talk for hours about technical photography terms I’ve never even heard.

He’s a great guy who inspires me with his knowledge. However, he’s never posted a single video, received a single view, or earned even $1 from photography or video.

That’s the power of taking imperfect action instead of doing nothing and getting nowhere while waiting for everything to be perfect.

I don’t know half as much as he does about photography or camera gear. I don’t currently own a camera. However, I have an inbox full of emails with people thanking me for helping them make life changing decisions. I’ve been approached everywhere from bars, museums, even in Trader Joe’s, by fans of my (admittedly) crappy quality videos. I’m building a brand and cashing checks off my imperfect action.

Even if it sucks, and your first attempt at anything is guaranteed to suck, doing anything is better than planning forever and not making progress. In the tech space, they call this Minimum Viable Product, the “version of the product with just enough features to satisfy early customers and provide feedback for future product development”.

If you want to accomplish anything, start anywhere. Just do something, you can always improve it later. Just start.

5. Give First

The key to being successful is to help others. As I mentioned before, I am building a fledgling YouTube channel, this blog, and run another business from my home. The small success I’ve seen is that I’ve helped other people by answering questions, providing tips from my own experiences. I could have made videos just talking about myself but that wouldn’t have gotten me anywhere.

If you want to be successful in anything, figure out how to help someone else get what they want.

6. Weed Was Making Me Depressed

I’d been an avid marijuana smoker for most of the past 5 years.

During that time, I’d maintained a full time job, a long term relationship, a few side hustles, a healthy dog, and a regular gym routine. I joked that I was “the Most Productive Pothead Ever”, because I would smoke, then go hiking, ride my bike, or burn hundreds of calories in a high energy muay Thai class. I was a functional adult with a full life, I reasoned, not a stoner blazing up in my mom’s basement. I thought I was fine.

In the last weeks of 2018, I had reconstructive surgery on my chest; a major surgery with a recovery that lasted into spring of 2019. For 16 weeks, I couldn’t lift my arms over my head. I had to stand with my back to the water stream in the shower. I couldn’t work out. Crushing when the endorphin release of strenuous exercise is a crucial element of my mental health.

Suddenly, I was thrust into the pits of depression. My daily life consisted of light duty at work, then sitting around the house, shut in during the cold Utah winter. I started relying on the post-surgery opioids to feel good. Once those ran out, I resorted to smoking, more to cope than for fun, as I had before.

I wish I could brag that I reached down into my inner well of strength and found the will to change. What actually happened is I lost my vape pen one weekend.

I tore the house apart looking for it. I rifled through sofa cushions, emptied out my backpack, and fished around under the car seats. I couldn’t find it anywhere.

I would never have climbed out of the depths of depression without kicking my cannabis habit.

Medical professionals agree that cannabis consumption alleviate some symptoms of depression short term, but research has shown that regular use exacerbates depressive symptoms over time. Regular marijuana smokers are diagnosed with depression more often than non-smokers. Heavy marijuana use is also known to trigger mental illnesses such as schizophrenia and psychosis.

"..It [marijuana] will probably interfere with someone’s ability to recover from depression” -Dr. Andrew Saxon, APA Council of Addiction Psychiatry

To balance my mood without drugs, I turned to meditation, gentle walks (once I was ready) and carefully returning to the gym, if anything just to get off the couch. (See my post “How to Improve Your Mood”) Spring came, I eventually healed up enough to pick up my old routine. My depression lifted and my mood improved. I feel much better without weed in my system. I haven’t touched the stuff since.

7. Work Harder, Not Smarter

These are the words of blogger and internet marketer Chris Deoundes. Last year, I was trying to earn money all these different ways outside of my full time job. I’m proud of my entrepreneurial aspirations, and I have a strong self belief that I’ll succeed. However, I needed to be working overtime hours, finding a roommate, and maybe getting a part time side gig to make ends meet, rather than scraping by while scheming to make money online.

Building a presence, and a profitable business in the online space requires putting in work day by day, then waiting for that work to produce results, like a gardener tending to seeds he’s planted.

The gardener understands that the seeds take time to mature and produce fruit. He’s steady and faithful with his work, but he doesn’t sit there starving while waiting for a tiny shoot to appear out of the dirt.

That’s the mistake I was making with my internet ventures, that I aim to rectify in 2020. I need to learn to balance working on my content businesses, with optimizing my side hustles, and putting in extra hours at my job to make my budget work.

8. Model Success

This is another thing I picked up through my study of Neuro Linguistic Programming, which has become a way of life for me. The techniques in NLP have provided tools to address many sticky situations and changed the way I approach goal setting, interpersonal relationships, and my own inner mental world.

Through NLP, I absorbed the teaching “Success leaves clues”. Modeling is “the process of adopting the behaviors, language, strategies, and beliefs of another person” to repeat their results in any arena. Basically, if you admire someone, and want to produce similar results as they do, simply watch them carefully, and replicate, or model their behaviors.

I had heard “Success leaves clues” before from Tony Robbins. This year, I dove deep into studying NLP and started intentionally applying the concepts in my life. Instead of feeling jealous of someone who is successful in ways I wish I was, I study them. I notice what they’re doing, how they speak, what they say, how they behave. Then I do it myself.

It’s already working. I also wrote about this in my previous post “How to Be Like Your Heroes”.

9. I Have A Lot of Room to Grow

The most important thing I learned this year is I still have a lot of work to do on myself. Stated more positively: “this year I realized I have a lot of opportunities to continue to improve myself”.

Ironically, I learned the most through my failures: a long distance relationship that went up in flames, trying to transition to work in sales and only getting one interview, and no offer, dozens of other rejections and disappointments along the way.

For someone who has been reading self-help books for going on two decades, my ego feels bruised by realizing that I have a long way to go to be the patient, loving, admirable person I dream of being. My failures this year taught me that I have a lot to learn in relationship skills like listening, empathy, unselfishness, and being open with my emotions.

I failed a lot. It was agonizing, and still is, if I think about the ways I went wrong and what I could have or should have done. When I’ve wallowed long enough, I shake myself off and get back to work.

I’m thankful to say that I’m still here, still kicking, and still trying.